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I'm not sure what seems like more of a dream--the fact that just one day ago I was living in India. Or that now I'm here, in America.....

Sad....

To soon be leaving Holiness' kudung, Karma Kuchen, monotonous lunches of rice and dahl and bitter eggplant...
To be leaving this place, this "holy place," as Holiness once told me, where you can see a small brown goat with a khatak tied around its neck running around the stupas...
Where a little Nyoshul Khen can turn up at lunch...
Where three little girls with sad eyes and red jewels in their noses stretch their hands towards me...
Generators whir
Crickets hop into my lap
Ants cover my bed
And where I no longer notice the garbage...

Right Now I Am.....(Just 3 More Days)

ENJOYING...sudden rain--the coolness that follows. Solitude!
WONDERING...How I have the merit to still be here...
MARVELING...At how tiny Holines must have gotten to be able to fit in such a small box.
LOVING...The joy and peace of circumambulating Zangdopalri in the dark--lights shining, Holiness' voice chanting mantras, smoke offerings billowing, butterlamps burnig. The quiet.
THINKING...I must become a good person. Someday pure?
ANTICIPATING...America--despite everything.
DREADING...The long trip home.
HOPING...To be able to watch movies on the plane!

The Sister

Everything is well and good when I'm all quiet in my room practising. Everything is fine when I happily place a 10 rupee note in the leper's bucket and then another in the hand of one of the most beautiful girls ever-the middle sister of the 3 beautiful little girls who beg at the shopping somplex--the most persistent beggars there. But things quickly fell apart when I'd already run out of my beggar allowance for the day and the oldest of the sisters ran up to me, hands folded at her heart and begging nonstop and touching my feet and arms and following me. I just totally lost it. No amount of, "Nays," could make her stop. She whipped me into a fury until I looked her dead in the eye and said rather loudly, "Nay!" only she still kept following me as I tried to ignore her and kept brusquely walking...This morning, she stood at the end of the korwa circuit, her eyes bruised.

Namdroling Take 2

magical in the prayer wheel house--candles glowing on the floor, along the walls, in corners

at 3Am we stood outside the temple. in the gloaming. it was still dark--but lit by thousands of strings of lights. 7 days out of america. anyway, it was way before dawn, though birds chirped. in the temple, the ligths went out. we kneaded butter, tea, into tsampa.

a flurry of flys

from my bed the prayer wheels click, prayers flying off flags

the pop of insects against ceilings, floors. the mala on the wrist. keith's dreams.

Pretend It's Last Night

There are at least 30 small insects in my room. I presume they snuck under the tiny corners of netting where tape was missing or were just small enough to come right through the screen. All in the 10 min. I had the light on and showered. Is it just the light they want? There are another 100 pressed up against the screen at all the edges, madly trying to flutter their way in. Is it because of the crazy rain last night? All suddenly born from moisture? I wouldn't mind so much, only the tiny ones keep crawling all over me. The slightly bigger black ones make noise flying around.

Alright, i just retaped edges for the hundredth time, turned on the bathroom light to try and lure them in there...and finally the insect activity seems to be dying down...or am i speaking too soon? This makes a few mosquitoes seem like nothing! And how i thought it was cool this morning, so quiet and still--the air full of strange winged moths rising into the sky. A monk rescuing one. And Noelle plying me with charcoal and ginger pills, crackers from Canada and juice boxes...

Alone In India....

well, not really. minh and noelle and khenpo's shabjes and Karma Kuchen are here. and holiness' kudun...

still, keith is not here.

and that is a bit strange.

Despite

the food poisoning...i'm still so happy to be here.........

You Can't

imagine
the lights in the dark, Holiness' mantras in the air
the throngs
the flowers
Holiness in a box, on a palanquin, on a truck, in Zangdopalri
the camera crews
the masses of food
the immensity of it all...

It's Possible

to fall asleep on Khenpo Guru's floor for hours while waiting for a room--if you're tired enough
to awaken at 5Am, if your room is directly behind the khorwa circuit

In the Days After

Everything is lit. Generators whir. Strings of colored lights dangle from the roofs of temples, stupas. Eyes pressed to windows staring in at the statue that looked sad the night Holiness died.
There was a circular rainbow. And now, now Holiness remains in his house. Hundreds of monks inside making mendrup. Yangthang Tulku in the Golden Temple. And Karma Kuchen still on his way.

Namdroling.............

We're here! Keith and I arrived in Bangalore at 2:30 AM yesterday and were on the local bus to Kushalnagar by 4:30...Note to self try: to avoid that local bus in future as it makes a trillion stops!!! Anyway, we finally made it here around noon...The monastery is buzzing with all the preparations being made for Holiness' parinirvana ceremony...So far there are only two people here from retreat--Jennifer Huang and Ha-Yin. Already, both the hotel and guest house are totally booked...People who have lived here for months are even being asked to give up their rooms as there are so many tulkus and Khenpos coming from all the Nyinmga lineages...But luckily, Keith and I have ended up in a beautiful brand new room behind the primary school. We awaken to the sounds of little monks chanting the alphabet...It is hot here. So hot. And sticky. I am so glad to be here.