Christmas 2009

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

Snow!! And the Vietnamese coffee maker!

It really is a shame that my camera died back in october

--because i would love to post gorgeous pictures of salt lake city here!!
i can not say enough good things about salt lake city! it was beautiful. literally every single person we met or talked to from the salt like flight crew to the airport to the bus drivers to the residents to hotel workers to the monk we hung out with, were amazingly nice and kind. it was as though we had enetered some alternate universe where everyone was kind and happy. truly unbelievable. there were oodles of kids in salt lake! every family was super young with at least three kids but simultaneously super nice. we never once heard a parents raise their voice...i can honestly say that we had an amazing experience in salt lake city. seriously.

but yesterday, we flew away from that land of gentleness and into the crazily populous san fran bay area...let's just say people haven't been so sweet here! still, we had a very fun few hours consuming at the ferry plaza building along the waterfront! and now, we're here in palo alto. palo alto=consumerism!!! yikes! i don't think i've ever seen so many strip malls and stores in one place in my life! i've also never seen so many really great looking asian restaurants in america as i have here. noontime just might find me eating pho and drinking vietnamese coffee!

luckily for us, we have a rental car and will be heading south once keith finishes his interview this afternoon. we can not wait to discover a less populated and beautiful california which i'm sure awaits us! tonight we stay in a cabin by the coast (thank you dear ariane!) with a fireplace!

the olive oil muffins are made,

the laundry is done, the bag is packed (well, almost...), and we're soon to be off. to the mountains, to the coast...so looking forward to this change!

Week End

early morning laundry--the only time for laundry for me...amaia's chant of "weekend, weekend," yesterday--how did she know? present plans whilst drinking creamy tea...keith asleep in the next room. and what to explore in california??? oh the possibility!

More Good-ness!

The delight I feel at getting to work each morning and seeing amaia and hearing all the new words she's learned to say...the way her little eighteen month old self greets me with, "Mornin'!" Yesterday's snowman...Butternut squash soup and vegetable galette for dinner tonight...Only three more days of work for many weeks! Leaving for Utah/California in six days! And...leaving for India in just two months! Wow.

My Goodness!

Only three weeks left till Christmas! Today: more glitter pinecone ornaments, lentil almond stir-fry, starting to make these sweet acorn ornaments and getting super excited to go to Utah and California in just one week! Thinking about letterpress, my lack of computer skills... And this beautiful blog: the art of seeing things. Donning down--it's cold!

Sigur Ros - Little match girl

And oh my goodness, this-Sigur Ros and ballet!

Christmas Is Coming...

Today:
breakfast polenta, fat snowdrops on our cheeks and tongues as we carry our tree home, cold fingers! hot chocolate from a tiny teapot, chickpea hotpot and black bean brownie leftovers for lunch, listening to sufjan stevens christmas music as we decorate, cinammon orange clove water simmering on the stove, drippy wet windowpanes, this amazing website for sigur ros live, this shop. also, making this granola bar recipe and missing my camera!

Word of advice

If you take the oh-so-popular Megabus (with it's free wifi) to NYC-don't wait to book your return ticket till the last minute (especially if it's the weekend of Halloween and a marathon) or you could end up like Keith and I-hanging out in Borders for hours, and walking around laden down with backpacks and hefty bags of tsog in times square until 10:30 on a Sunday night!

So, the three week Karma Kuchen extravaganza truly ended with a bang at Queens Palace where 1000 Sherpas squeezed into a tiny hall...very reminiscent of my Kathmandu horror bus stories...there was a crush of people in every inch-nevermind the frantic pushing trying to get up to the stage to receive the empowerment substances! Babies crying, people yelling. I was trembling by the time i found myself in front of KK! NYC equals the exact opposite of the Ohio experience!

In other news, a few terrific Halloween costumes were spotted, namely a skinny teenage boy dressed as a fairy in H&M and another guy as Tom Cruise in Risky Business walking the streets of Manhattan in underwear, long shirt and umbrella!

How did the food not run out? The people! The crowds!

Ohio

Hmm, it's weird to find yourself on a youtube video! It seems the guy sitting next to me took this footage from Saturday night!

Rumor Has It, Enquiring Minds Want to Know...

So on this gray Baltimore morning, inside Jenn's head:

1) Soon to make the long-awaited apple chip nut cake of my childhood

2) Preparations (albeit still mental) for the long drive to see HHKK (so young--and of course so serious--in this picture)--round two of the Karma Kuchen three week extravaganza (PS Drew and Dizzy we wish you were coming with us!).

3) Where is my Gobblidigook cd?

4) Ryan last night, "I'm so darn it about tomorrow!" (followed by a slightly questioning look--I didn't have the heart to tell him that wasn't the right way to use that expression. and who knows, maybe it is possible to be "so darn it" about tomorrow when there's a chance your pumpkin patch birthday party might get rained out).

5) Utah...???

6) The blog 3191

Oh Samsara!

Not so into writing here anymore! As so many things do these days, it seems futile. And while Dzongsar Khyentse says that while you see the futility nature of things, you should still do them, I just can't seem too lately...

Not a Fan

of headaches and DMV's!! not seperately and certainly not together! especially a 90 minute wait all for naught! yikes!

Despite the Heat...

There's the smell of pignuts, dried brown leaves crumbling beneath my feet Acorns still wearing their caps

Today

as I was walking Ryan home from kindergarten, he somehow got on the topic of babies. a subject that had come up a few weeks ago when he informed me that his mom wanted another baby and just had to get a cell from his dad.

so anyway, ry says, "it's really easy if a girl wants a baby."
"it is?"
"yeah."
"well, what do you have to do?"
"well...a girl just has to..."
"...get a cell?"
"yeah, she just has to ask."
"she just has to ask her husband for a cell?"
"yeah. it's so easy!"
"it is?"
"yeah."
"but how does she get the cell?"
"well, it's amazing. it's just goes flying through the air. and then it goes right through her skin into her stomache. and then she makes her own cell too. and then she just waits like a month or ten weeks, and then she has a baby. and that's how it happens. i think (he giggles). i think that's how it happens..."
"well, that does sound very easy! so if i want a baby, all i have to do is ask keith for a cell?"
"yeah! but he might not wanbt to give you one."
"why?"
"because babies can make you really crazy! but do you want one?"
"well...i don't know. babies are a lot of work."
"yeah, but don't you love this little baby?" (and he touched his little ister amaia's head oh-so-gently).
"i do love this little baby!"
"me too. but i love her so much that sometimes i hurt her!" (he likes to hug her too tight).

anyway, so now you know...if you want a baby, all you have to do is ask!

Good Fings*

A visit to the Migyur Dorje stupa

Last weekend's fish release with Ralo Rinpoche's sangha

Sour cherry juice

Sun warmed watermelon

Perfect plums

*As in "Good fings" vs "Bad Fings" -Ajam Tulku (with his German accent)

Loving--In No Particular Order

Fresh figs!
A bitty baby girl who takes my glasses off, then gives me eskimo kisses
A small redheaded boy who's content to spend hours talking to me in a tree
Coffee (although K. says I'm developing a dreadful lifelong habit I must break!--no thanks to you Drew!)

More............

Circular rainbow gazers

Circular rainbow that appeared around the sun on the last day (after the group photo on the lawn)!

Gyangkhang Tulku

Retreat 2009

KK

the crew

my boys

more dizzy's room

no comment necessary

As Jizzy (the artist formerly known as Dizzy)

said to keith yesterday, "you're already thinking about your dismount?" and it's true
can i just let go all the thoughts of apartments and baltimore and work and money?
but the future creeps in
here in my mind
amidst chipmunks and clouds and sitting
in the tent in the temple in the hut
at the picnic table eating a cinnamon raisin bagel
while i check my email...............

I Hear Them

The deer thunder through the forest. I hear them blowing air through their noses--hidden behind the bushes. The doe chomps field grass, cocks her head to listen, and prances before Drew and I (he atop a haybale).

Thin Skin

like the see-through shell of a tiny snail. later still, something uncoiled inside--i'm splayed. not like a small bird hiding in long grass--can't find the edges. i'm making eggs. the peach grows golden, unnoticed by me.

And it is raining. And it is pouring. It is cool in the forest. Sometimes the rain drips. And finally I dream...Waves of wind through the trees. Khenpo says we have all lost our minds a long time ago...Who will eat the meat off my bone? It's an overcast day...and my overcast mind. I stared at his teeth in the moonlight. Oh the mind drizzle.

The Countdown Is Definitely On!

Only three more days until Keith and I leave for retreat!!!!

What To Do

When your summer is the darkest it's been since 1903--the average temperature 59.8 degrees ...this, the fourth coldest June since 1885. In fact, it hailed during lunch today. And a few days ago, on my birthday, Keith and I debated having a picnic in front of the fireplace.

It's dreary. It's cold. And I long for hot soymilk.

Each morning in Bangkok, I'd head out to the sidewalk, to a small metal cart holding a sunken vat of steaming soymilk. Ladled into a bag, sucked through a straw, belly full. I loved it.

And so these days, when the raw has seeped into my bones and I'm wearing wool socks to the movies with my cousin, I long for it. And I don't even like soymilk. In America, anyway.

So last night I soaked the beans. This morning I performed the tedious task of taking the skin off the beans, then pureeing them with water, pouring into cheesecloth, letting the milk drip out, boiling the milk, removing the skin that forms--and eating it's deliciousness. Yes, the skin is delicious.

My dad helped jimmyrig the paper towel holder to hang the dripping cheesecloth from, with his go-to helper for anything--the ever useful elastic. But the drip was bitter and my dad, lately being a glass-is-half-empty kind of guy, swore the milk would come out awful...

But it didn't. And now I have sweet soymilk.

Adrienne Rich

"...but you can learn/from the edges that blur/O you who love clear edges/more than anything/ watch the edges that blur..."
-from Contradictions: Tracking Poems

"...we want to live like tress,/ sycamores blazing through the sulfuric air,/ dappled with scars, still exuberantly budding..."
-from Disloyal to Civilization: the Twenty-One Love Poems of Adrienne Rich

"...I choose to be a figure in that light,/ half-blotted by darkness..."
-from 21 Love Poems

I've Been at a Loss For Words, So....

The Winning Hearts and Minds Cake

Rhubarb syrup for soda

The sound the knife makes as I slice through a rhubarb stalk is very pleasing

I'm 32!

Let's Go Sailing- Sideways

Tired

and i'm almost 32.
will the rain hold off for strawberry picking and a picnic?
and there's nothing to write

Thursday in Beantown or Spots of Sun

Blake and I:
speaking truth over honey coffee
and bagels
while the sun shined its shine
and we headed out into sun
not remembering
into books
and sandals
and honey lavender ice cream
into spices and tea and pink velevet salt

In June I've

-Become best friends with my raincoat and rainboots...

-Decided To Never:

live in Portland, Oregon /breed

-Coughed

-Read the whole Twilight series whilst cringing at covers of magazines with "Sexy Vampires in Love" headlines

-Been feeling word-less

Bjork Hyperballad Live (Jools Holland 01.11.96)

Summer Solstice

This First Day of Summer was a drizzly, strawberry picking Father's Day full of noise and beef and Swedish sweet rolls.

THANK GOD FOR IMPERMANENCE

just gray

spring in massachusetts. and it's gray.
gray and rain
and gray and drizzle.
there are kids
hitting kicking punching yelling.
killing ants and screaming.
note to self: never have three children under age six.
note to self: never have children.
but yes, the baby is sweet.
today there was a hole in his sock,
big toe poking through.
he kept trying to eat it.
and yes, the rhubarb is ripe,
the strawberry moon upon us.

NOW I AM

Enjoying...a cold glass of grape juice
Wondering...when i will go to the beach
Marveling...at how it's cloudy almost every day on the east coast
Anticipating...strawberry picking season
Loving...Mom's raspberry rhubarb sauce
Missing...Namdroling
Thinking...where have all my poeoms gone
Wishing...I was more disciplined
Dreading...taking care of three kids again next week

I never believed it could happen.

I seriously never believed it when I heard people say that I'd get used to India, that someday I wouldn't even notice the trash, that I'd grow to love it....I don't know how it happened. It's like some crazy miracle or something...but it did. I miss India! More specifically, I miss Namdroling! But I've already said that....

However, a surefire way to distract yourself from missing India is to get an insane nanny job taking care of three kids under the ae of six for nine hrs a day with a 45 minute commute...

Homage to HH Penor Rinpoche, Amitayu Buddhist Association

This is how it was....

I've Been

going to bed oh so early
waking at dawn
somehow coerced into eating ice cream every single day since i've been home!
delighted by my nephew. his smile. his questions.
cuddled by my tiniest ones, asked to stay forever.
reading a sub-par book bought at the last minute in bangalore
joyful about salad!

I'
ve
been
longing for Namdroling--
khorwa first thing in the morning
khorwa last thing at night
coconuts
Zangdopalri
Holiness' voice
Katma Kuchen
fresh little monks asking my name and giggling and carrying platefuls of food bigger than their heads

surreal

to be speeding down the highway in my car with a gps, sigur ros loud in my ears.

Back

I'm not sure what seems like more of a dream--the fact that just one day ago I was living in India. Or that now I'm here, in America.....

Sad....

To soon be leaving Holiness' kudung, Karma Kuchen, monotonous lunches of rice and dahl and bitter eggplant...
To be leaving this place, this "holy place," as Holiness once told me, where you can see a small brown goat with a khatak tied around its neck running around the stupas...
Where a little Nyoshul Khen can turn up at lunch...
Where three little girls with sad eyes and red jewels in their noses stretch their hands towards me...
Generators whir
Crickets hop into my lap
Ants cover my bed
And where I no longer notice the garbage...

Right Now I Am.....(Just 3 More Days)

ENJOYING...sudden rain--the coolness that follows. Solitude!
WONDERING...How I have the merit to still be here...
MARVELING...At how tiny Holines must have gotten to be able to fit in such a small box.
LOVING...The joy and peace of circumambulating Zangdopalri in the dark--lights shining, Holiness' voice chanting mantras, smoke offerings billowing, butterlamps burnig. The quiet.
THINKING...I must become a good person. Someday pure?
ANTICIPATING...America--despite everything.
DREADING...The long trip home.
HOPING...To be able to watch movies on the plane!

The Sister

Everything is well and good when I'm all quiet in my room practising. Everything is fine when I happily place a 10 rupee note in the leper's bucket and then another in the hand of one of the most beautiful girls ever-the middle sister of the 3 beautiful little girls who beg at the shopping somplex--the most persistent beggars there. But things quickly fell apart when I'd already run out of my beggar allowance for the day and the oldest of the sisters ran up to me, hands folded at her heart and begging nonstop and touching my feet and arms and following me. I just totally lost it. No amount of, "Nays," could make her stop. She whipped me into a fury until I looked her dead in the eye and said rather loudly, "Nay!" only she still kept following me as I tried to ignore her and kept brusquely walking...This morning, she stood at the end of the korwa circuit, her eyes bruised.

Namdroling Take 2

magical in the prayer wheel house--candles glowing on the floor, along the walls, in corners

at 3Am we stood outside the temple. in the gloaming. it was still dark--but lit by thousands of strings of lights. 7 days out of america. anyway, it was way before dawn, though birds chirped. in the temple, the ligths went out. we kneaded butter, tea, into tsampa.

a flurry of flys

from my bed the prayer wheels click, prayers flying off flags

the pop of insects against ceilings, floors. the mala on the wrist. keith's dreams.

Pretend It's Last Night

There are at least 30 small insects in my room. I presume they snuck under the tiny corners of netting where tape was missing or were just small enough to come right through the screen. All in the 10 min. I had the light on and showered. Is it just the light they want? There are another 100 pressed up against the screen at all the edges, madly trying to flutter their way in. Is it because of the crazy rain last night? All suddenly born from moisture? I wouldn't mind so much, only the tiny ones keep crawling all over me. The slightly bigger black ones make noise flying around.

Alright, i just retaped edges for the hundredth time, turned on the bathroom light to try and lure them in there...and finally the insect activity seems to be dying down...or am i speaking too soon? This makes a few mosquitoes seem like nothing! And how i thought it was cool this morning, so quiet and still--the air full of strange winged moths rising into the sky. A monk rescuing one. And Noelle plying me with charcoal and ginger pills, crackers from Canada and juice boxes...

Alone In India....

well, not really. minh and noelle and khenpo's shabjes and Karma Kuchen are here. and holiness' kudun...

still, keith is not here.

and that is a bit strange.

Despite

the food poisoning...i'm still so happy to be here.........

You Can't

imagine
the lights in the dark, Holiness' mantras in the air
the throngs
the flowers
Holiness in a box, on a palanquin, on a truck, in Zangdopalri
the camera crews
the masses of food
the immensity of it all...

It's Possible

to fall asleep on Khenpo Guru's floor for hours while waiting for a room--if you're tired enough
to awaken at 5Am, if your room is directly behind the khorwa circuit

In the Days After

Everything is lit. Generators whir. Strings of colored lights dangle from the roofs of temples, stupas. Eyes pressed to windows staring in at the statue that looked sad the night Holiness died.
There was a circular rainbow. And now, now Holiness remains in his house. Hundreds of monks inside making mendrup. Yangthang Tulku in the Golden Temple. And Karma Kuchen still on his way.

Namdroling.............

We're here! Keith and I arrived in Bangalore at 2:30 AM yesterday and were on the local bus to Kushalnagar by 4:30...Note to self try: to avoid that local bus in future as it makes a trillion stops!!! Anyway, we finally made it here around noon...The monastery is buzzing with all the preparations being made for Holiness' parinirvana ceremony...So far there are only two people here from retreat--Jennifer Huang and Ha-Yin. Already, both the hotel and guest house are totally booked...People who have lived here for months are even being asked to give up their rooms as there are so many tulkus and Khenpos coming from all the Nyinmga lineages...But luckily, Keith and I have ended up in a beautiful brand new room behind the primary school. We awaken to the sounds of little monks chanting the alphabet...It is hot here. So hot. And sticky. I am so glad to be here.

It's Done

I can't believe it.
But the tickets are bought.
Thursday night we will be in a plane,
heading back to Holiness
who sits in meditation upon his bed.

Do The Opposite of This

....i know for sure that what my mind is doing right now is the exact opposite of what it's supposed to be doing...as far as i can tell, i'm supposed to be relaxing my mind as much as possible (aka not all the conceptualizing i'm doing!) and meditating in the hopes of mingling my mind with Holiness'...while he is in thugdam is supposed to be the best chance for this.........

my mom wanted to know why i wanted to go to india--what i would get from it. i couldn't think of what to say except, lamely: it's my last chance to see him and say goodbye and finally, "blessings." and basically, that's what it comes down to. i feel like by going to india, i will "get" something from holiness...that something will happen to my mind for the better...and that's just me wanting wanting wanting more from holiness even in death.

on the other hand, if i stay in america and don't go just to pacify my enraged father, will i forever regret not having gone? and also forever be mad at him for "making" me stay?

Yes, Another Post

Noelle, I answered your question in the comments section, under yours. But I forgot to say that you don't need a PAP if you just stay in Kushalnagar....

Now, I need to decide:
is it better to stay true to Holiness and my religion and go to Namdroling
or
try to be a bodhisattva and stay here in America just to make my dad happy................

I am at a total loss as to what's the right thing to do.

News about His Holiness

Keith received an email from Palyul today saying that HH is expected to stay in thugdam for several days and for those wishing to come to the monastery, to make your travel plans for 7-10 days from now. Hoping for more details, K persuaded me to call Khenpo tonight....He told me that Holiness will not go out of thugdam until Karma Kuchen arrives from Tibet. And that once Karma Kuchen sees Holiness, they are planning on having a public blessing (actually, he might have said viewing--i'm not sure) on April 10th..........

India

Who is going to Namdroling in 7-10 days?

HH Penor Rinpoche

My Holiness is gone.
HH Drubwang Pema Norbu Rinpoche has passed away.

A Serving Heart

Yesterday, one of my parent's neighbors came over with daffodils. My mom told her how I was still looking for a job and K--the neighbor--told us how she works at a restaurant in Acton and could put a word in for me if I was, "serious," about applying. She told me how she loves taking care of people and helping them have a nice night out. "I think they can really tell if you have a serving heart," she said. After she left, I asked my parents if they think I have a serving heart..........unfortunately, the answer was a resounding no!

What Was Gram's

a compass (ring), a (gold) locket, a lost and then found diamond, an autograph book from 1933, a black slip, a braid of honey hair

The Finches 'Daniel's Song'

and an itchy head, fries at the rivergod, blake and i laughing, sleepy sunny car ride, portsmouth popovers..........

The Jimmies - Do The Elephant

this is slightly ridiculous but actually a really great public service announcement!

Hard to Believe

That a mere nine days ago my dawns were spent circumambulating the Migyur Dorje stupa in the cool of the fog. Mornings spent drinking chai, eating puri, washing and hanging laundry on the line and practising in our unbearably hot but still room. An evening found Keith and I on Khenpo's roof, sitting on cushions at his feet receiving teachings in the glow of Zangdoplari...

These days,
mornings are spent chatting and doing errands with my dad--squeezing practice in while he goes for a walk at the mall. My parents and I sup on soup and bread. Then more errands and chatting...

And today,
today found me on the phone for three hours with a guy in India--trying to get wireless to work on my laptop, and laying on the couch with my mom discussing the benefits of reconstructive surgery vs prosthesis....

I've gone back in time a day
Gone from hot to cold
Quiet to noisy
Calm to slightly stressed out

Looking for a job
Worrying about money
Running around trying to get my car on the road...

I'm definitely in America!

Meanwhile....
I've been slightly worried about K, alone there in Nepal, only four hours of power a day, eating crappy food made by pubescent monks. But today I received an email from him. In it, he told me he's been going around Kathmandu with Donald Trump...

TuesdayTuesdayTuesday...in America

-sour cream and garlic and cherries and agave nectar
-trying to find the cheapest possible car insurance and hoping I didn't leave the title for my car in Baltimore!
-apples simmering on the stove
-snow clinging to trees
-icy sun
-excited to see my sweet cousins in boston this weekend
-about to eat my dad's delicious white bean soup, then go to the new library!
-waiting to hear if i got the nanny job on west street
-wearing jeans again
-big afternoon plans to make deoderant and granola
-anxious to see the looks on my parent's faces while we watch slumdog millionaire tonight!

Teri Ore - Full HD video Sinng is Kinng

yes, i really am posting an indian song!!! this song is ubiquitous throughout india and nepal's internet cafe's...

Home

Goodbye Masala

Goodbye to occurences like these:
-while receiving our lung, I was wondering why Khenpo Pema Sherab had a stuffed animal--a small white dog--on his side table. When suddenly, a mountain of pecha's fell on my head...
-after we'd banished the giant cockroach from under the bed, shooed the gecko out the door and unsuccessfully tried to stalk the mosquitoe--we went to bed
-and the dums are drumming, and the army of kettle bearers surge in (in the temple, the monks are like so many bees going about their jobs--and birds take flight)

Goodbye To
-absolute "no's"
-colored laundry on the line
-cold bucket showers
-heat and sticky backs of limbs
-a dry tap
-bougainvillea and monks everywhere
-ants marching across the wall (carrying dead insects) to the windowsill
-to carrying buckets of water across the street, up to our rooftop hospital room
-slow everything

Goodbye India

Final day of Gutor

Giant Buddha in the Golden temple here at Namdroling

Hurling and Burning the Gutor at the end of the 5 day Kilaya Puja

Gutor dances to dispel obstacles for the coming year

The procession of monks outside Zangdopalri before the final rituals of Gutor

PS these pictures posted in the reverse order

What We See

Yay for coconuts down the road...

View through K's lavender lace window (it's to keep out the mosquitoes!)

Me in an autorickshaw

Laundry with Zangdopalri in the distance

Our oh-so-colorful hospital room

Once in A Lifetime

Yesterday Jenn, Dawa Norbu (Khenchen Tsewang's Shapju) and I headed to Sera Jey Monastery trying our best to see the Dalai Lama, we had no "pass", no real hope of getting anywhere near His Holiness with the crowds of thousands that had flocked to receive His Holiness's Hayagriva empowerment. When we arrived there were already thousands and thousands of people present and a line just to enter the monastery that seemed to stretch forever. This was going to be impossible. Just the monks at Sera alone (the monastery where the empowerment was being given were more than 7,000 strong), how could we ever hope to end up in the temple (the only way to actually see the Dalai Lama)?
Dawa Norbu decided to leverage our Inji (English) complexions to our advantage and pleaded at every possible gate of the monastery to let these poor Injis into the compound as we had traveled so far to see His Holiness. It took several visits to several different gates but we finally did it. I thought that's it we are as good as sitting in front of the Dalai Lama, wrong. Inside the monastery gate we found thousands of Tibetan families camped on the grounds surrounding the main temple which remained tightly locked.
We spoke to several differnet security officials about entering the temple for the empowerement and were continually told, "no way". Only monks would be allowed in the temple and even then not all the monks would be able to fit inside. I surveyed the scene outside and it looked grim, sitting outside without seeing the Dalai Lama, with no video feed and only speakers blaring a language I barely understand was not going to suffice for receiving an empowerment.
We waited for a few hours and just before the Dalai Lama arrived the temple was opened for monks only. Dressed in our Ngakpa Regalia we attempted to enter with the monks from the east, no such luck, we again tried from the back, denied, once more from the west, success, so we thought. We made it just inside the temple and were swiftly escorted back out, asking for passes, permits, ID--everything we didn't have.
After a lot of walkie-talkie chatter we were swept into the huge temple where more than 5,000 monks were gathered. I said, I'll just sit here at the back, but security had other plans. They swept us through row after row of monks, past children, adolescents, adults, aging monks, up and up and up until we were placed in the front row no more than 30 or 40ft from the Dalai Lama's throne, the only people closer than us were high Tulku's and the Abbott of the monastery who sat on the stage at the foot of the throne.
I was in total shock and feeling really guilty for sitting where we were sitting. But I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth, if this is my karma what can I do I thought. Dawa Norbu was giddy, he said in all his times coming to see the Dalai Lama he was never even allowed in the temple and could never have imagined sitting in the front row so close, it seemed impossible.
After some time, the Dalai Lama arrived, I wasn't sure where he would enter from, probably from back stage for security purposes. To my surprise he came in through the front doors and walked right down the middle of the huge congregation and then right in front of us, not two arm lengths away, he paused, smiled and bowed to everyone as he slowly made his way to his throne. We were in shock, and ecstatic.
The Dalai Lama began to give a talk on world religions and the preciousness of Buddhism in general and Tibetan Buddhism in particular. It quickly became clear that this was a case of water everywhere without a drop to drink, seeing as I understand about every 10th word. A monk came by and asked if we had a radio as a translation was being given in english over the radio. No such luck, I don't usually carry a radio to empowerments and if I had, security probably would have tackled me before I ever got in the temple.
A few minutes later a monk who was one of the chief translators came and sat with us, directly on my right side and began translating everything word for word right into my right ear. This was unbelievable, we had made it in against all odds, we were sitting in the front row, we were only feet away from the Dalai Lama and now I had a personal running translation. I just tried to be grateful for whatever merit I had accrued to find myself in this situation and dedicate it to the happiness of all sentient beings.
The Dalai Lama gave a general Dharma talk eloquently and extensively covering the entire path and all nine yanas, pausing for appropriate meditations at each stage, such as Bodhicitta and Emptiness meditations, he explained the progession of views all the way up to the highest Dzogchen Atiyoga view and meditation of the union of Awareness and Emptiness.
He then explained that the empowerment we would be given would be a Nyingma pure vision terma, revealed directly by Guru Rinpoche to the Great 5th Dalai Lama. What?? A Nyingma empowerment from the head of the Gelugpa tradition, this seemed tailored just for us, probably the only three Nyingmapas sitting in the temple. His Holiness gave an extensive empowerment, the Vase containing: bumpa, crown, vajra, bell, name. The Secret, the Wisdom and the Word empowerment, complete with clear and direct pointing out instructions.
He explained everything every step of the way so that all vows, Pratimoksha, Bodhisattva, and Samaya were understood and taken by those wishing to truly receive the empowerment and not by those who wished only for a blessing, each ritual was explained and the profound meaning of highest yoga tantra and specificially Dzogchen was elucidated. We spent more than 5 hrs there receiving these teachings, engaging in meditation together and receiving the empowerment.
It truly was a once in a lifetime experience, we have seen the Dalai Lama before, several times, but to receive such clear and profound instructions on our very own Nyingma tradition, from teachings he himself received from Dilgo Khyentse and Dudjom Rinpoche, the rarity of it is inexpressible.

Reasons

the reason why I'll be back in America in a few days is not because I can't stand another second of India--not because trying to get things done here is like swimming upstream, or because we never have any water--but because my mom has breast cancer and is having surgery soon. so all my peeps, please say a prayer for her....thanks

Namdroling

The pre-pubescent monks next door are constantly sweeping and mopping their room, cooking and doing laundry...They're like little super housewives in their shorts and undershirts. They now smile at me after my peace offering of coconut cookies and un-named biscuits which i heard them squealing over from my room. Bee carcasses litter the ground (in Zangdopalri). The leper's stubbed hands have fingernails (I saw as I placed a rupee in them). Fat rats near the stupa--dusk. Lolling on the sidewalk. White fog this morning, the birds elated. In the afternoon they tell me there's no tea.

Right Now I Am

Enjoying...South Indian veg meals at Shanti. Fig and honey ice cream at Caravan. My kaleidoscopic-colored refuge of a room in the hospital.
Wondering...When my mom's surgery will be and thus, when am I heading home? Why I am incessantly dreaming at night. And why all these filthy hag dreams?
Marveling...At how hot our room gets in the middle of the night whenthe power goes off and the fan stops spinning. At how just when I think I'm impervious to stares, I realize I'm not.
Anticipating...Snow and fires. Sledding. Nieces and nephews. Chocolate chip cookies and roast chicken. Frosted windowpanes.
Loving...Clean, tucked sheets. No responsibilities.
Missing...Cooking and raw vegetables.
Thinking...About what kind of job I can get when I get back to Leominster!
Wishing...My cough would go away and that I definitely didn't get tb at the Monlam A.K.A. a tb convention.
Hoping...Holiness gets better soon and I get to see him before I leave India!

More Backing Up...i.e. Bodhgaya

Dead mosquitoes carpeting the floor. Beggars with twisted limbs pulling themselves across the ground--a little girl whose body is missing below the belly button. Bhutanese, Tibetans, Ladakhis and Sikkhimese in their colorful clothes and scarves. Water bubbling for tea. Autorickshaw horns piercing the eardrum. Malas and gems and rocks and tiffinware. Teapots hung from a string. Ponies pulling carts of Indians-a rainbow of saris. Monks spilling out the sides of rickshaws packed so full. A ferris wheel--a Buddhist carnival. "Rickshaw madame?" "Where going Madame?" The policeman insisting on shooting the glowing blue toy into the sky. "Hello friend? Face mask?" A hugely pregnant goat. Dogs with udders. Tiny round felt hats.

Backing Up

During a Buddha's relics parade in Bodghaya.

More parade.

Bhutanese and ngakpa parade watchers.

The sagging mosquitoe net situation in our Bodhgaya room. The nets had holes all over that we unsuccesfully tried to patch with brown tape that repeatedly fell off. The room constantly had at least 30 mosquitoes--we counted.

A lovely wall in our Calcutta hotel.

In case you can't tell, a the bottom of these stairs is a family sleeping on the hotel lobby floor...

answers.....

so...yes we're at the monlam. yes, it is dusty and dirty and nasty. the mosquitoes and flies are rampant and everyone has a cough! also, HH is not well...although nobody seems to know exactly what's wrong--no one is allowed to see him--but he's expected to head back to namdroling in a few days. k and i are taking a train to calcutta tomorrow morning and then flying to bangalore the next day. oh, and monica, chung, peter, janet, johnny fu, anita and george lam and lama suchu have all been spotted in bodghaya...

More Calcutta

A bike coming down the road--dozens of white chickens hanging upside down off the handlebars. Men sit in closet-sized spaces high off the ground selling cigarettes, water and paan--banana leaves stacked, small metal pots lined up with tiny spoons, chopped betel nut. There are English magazines and books for sale on the sidewalks. When K and I step inside a hole-in-the-wall that sells pens and notebooks to use the STD phone, the owner is drinking tea from a thimble sized clay cup. When done, he throws it in the street where it smashes, asks if I want some. I say no thanks but he thinks I say yes. He calls into the street and a young boy comes over with a teakettle and two tiny cups. I say, "Oh, no thanks. It will keep me awake..." "But it's just tea!" the man exclaims, he seems disappointed and tells the boy to go away.

IndiaIndiaIndia

On Monday we were in Calcutta. Our hotel room was clean. It was our refuge from the garbage outside, the exhaust in the air, the beggars grabbing keith's arm. But still, I was distraught. I cried, saying I hated India. But what I had forgotten was how much worse it would get.

That afternoon, K and I took a taxi 20 min. away to Howrah train station. I had a horrible throbbing headache which got worse and worse as we sat there, hours early for the Rajdhani Express. It was medlam in there--so horribly noisy and echoey--there were even cars inside. K and I sat on our backpacks and I felt dead inside--numb--so overwhelmed. On the train we got lucky as two seats by themselves on one side of a compartment were empty, and the family opposite said we could have them. The train men wore odd red flannel shirts and came 'round with tons of food and drink--although I had nothing except yogurt, tea and a few bite-fulls of dubious ice cream--as we'd brought our own food from a restaurant and I was nauseous. Finally my great hunger this whole trip had abated. As K said, India will get rid of all your desires. And so we unfolded the seats into a bed and layed down with pillows and blankets, my head throbbing as strange Italian sounding music was piped through the cars--harmonium sounding like accordian. The couple nearby reminded us not to travel to Bodhgaya (from Gaya) until the morning, as it was very dangerous--the Bihar bandits...

Off the train, they pointed us towards some hotels, telling us to go straight there and not to "entertain" anyone. Only the hotels directly across the street wanted $20 and were nasty. The owners mean when we asked where Hotel Vishnu was, refusing to tell us. After seeing a room at the second place--sonmoisy above a restaurant and right on the road--when we asked again where Hotel Vishnu was--the man said, "What happened up there!"--offended we didn't like his room. It was midnight-1:30 AM for us--still on Thai time...K floundered and I piped in, "It's just too noisy for us..." The man said he'd have one of his employees, "He works for me, he's not some other person," take us to a nice place one minute away--the Roxy Deluxe. The name sounded promising.

And so we followed the skinny man wearing a peach scarf around the corner, down a dark street lined with garbage to the place with "comfort"--as we'd been assured. The Roxy Deluxe had a room wit white sheets covered in streaks of black, the grates over the windows were painted yellow and black with mold, the walls had streaks of grime and the bathroom--oh the bathroom--had a toilet full of brown sludge and a nasty sink which let out just a trickle of water. All along the tops of the room's walls were long rectangular windows with no screens or glass, which spilled in huge shafts of light. The room echoed with the sounds of the street--trains and honking autorickshaws and worse, the sounds of the employees and other occupants yelling to each other, a movie playing unbelievably loud.

We took the room--as we were too tired, and it was too dangerous to walk the km to the Hotel Vishnu, or take a rickshaw. We took it, and were brought a mosquito coil for the floor. We donned mosquito nets for our heads, climbed into our silk sleepsheets, and gingerly pulled the filthy woolen blankets up to our chests.

Don't Be...........

to those of you who might have been a teeny bit jealous of all the thailand fun...rest assured k and i are now in one of the hell realms here in india! let's just say yesterday--our first full day here, was a little bit rough. actually, by the time we were waiting at the howrah train station outside of calcutta for hours, where an incessant voice made announcements, a man with lopped off legs crawled across the floor, the man next to me frothed at the mouth, and there was a woman with elephantitis in one arm--i was a bit numb inside. after a 6 hr train ride we arrived in gaya around midnight--resting our weary heads inone of the vilest rooms imagineable--for $20! the toilet was full to the brim of brown sludge...it was sweet. we had to wait to come to bodhgaya this morning because of the bandits that lie in wait at night. seriously. but phew! here we are in bodghaya and we have a clean and quiet room in the taiwanese temple and today we've met and received blessings from jokhang tulku, yangtang tulku, ralo rinpoche and khenpo guru...so it's not all bad...wish us luck!

In Bangkok

In Bangkok you can always find a fresh snack, meal or drink--no matter where you are, no matter what time o day or night. The vendors arrive on wheels--rolling thier carts, driving their motorbikes, stalls attached.

the final island....................

here

how many people died on phi-phi?the rockety rumble--a thai train. the happiness of so many clusters of green coconuts at tops of huge palms. in the womb of the train. the green green green. the clear turquoise water. the bobbing long-tailed boats. and the wind. i'm here, in the andaman sea.the tree outside our thatched bungalow scatters tamarind pods on the ground. they burst under my feet. the light filtered through the bamboo. it was hot. the gecko on the ceiling-chirping. the cool, shining tiles. we're in bangkok. it's hot. the room is ringed with screen windows--high up and the cars and tuktuks and motorcycles going by sound like they're in the room, and people clearing their throats and coughing and spitting and showering. and the horns. at the morning market i got a bag of ice coffee for k and i to share, 2 sweet rotis each and two banana leaf packets of coconut sticky rice. then on the way back i got the most amazing congee to- go from a street vendor--eating it here in the noisy room...to an empty plastic bag, the vendor added a spoonful of sugar, a handful of cilantro, the rice soup, cooked ground chicken, a dash of fish sauce, a spoonful of tiny dried shrimp, cooked garlic, slivers of ginger, tiny shards of rice noodles, a handful of chives and salt!!! then she gave me little baggies of chili and vinegar and i was on my way...past the park, the street stalls, the tuktuks...

Rat-Free Island Bliss

Koh Lanta living

Lagoon between Koh Phi-Phi Don and Koh Phi-Phi Ley

In our cliff-side Phi-Phi bungalow--the aqua waters below us...

Swinging on Phi-Phi!

Night beach-ing it on Koh Lanta.